SIN’s “Personalities“ - My RE: My Motivation During Rehab
This issue uncovered its ugly little head while reading SIN latest entry about "Personalities". This lead me to analyze the whole situation including my own personality during that period to incited this type of behavior towards me.
The one relationship that may cause me some bitterness, was the one that ended while I was in a coma. I was in the "fix people broken people" stage. And she had the emotional stability of a feral cat. In retrospect she was probably trying to figure a way to end this ambiguous relationship we created. We started out as BFF & then we crossed the line, which I have moments of regret, since I think we would still be in contact if we didn't give into temptation. She would tease me (now I believe it was passive aggressive behavior) by saying "you are too demanding or you are too spoiled, always wanting your way". During alone time there would be moments where I would catch her staring at me in a way some may interpret as contempt. I would ask her "what is it" & she would respond "you don't hear no a lot, do you?" When you are use to hearing compliments all the time, it's hard not to fall in the trap & believe your own hype sometimes. I think in her own dysfunctional way, she wanted to teach me a lesson.
Well let me tell you, that type of abandonment/ break-up hurts you to the center of your soul. I believe that was the main source of my "no strings attach" philosophy. Of course people rallied around me to see if I was still affected by the break-up, since I'm a proud person, I refused to let someone know they hurt me in such a deep way. I hate to say it, but the pain she caused me was the motivating force for me to endure physical therapy & return to my old self physically. In some ways she brought me back from the bowels of hell, but on the other hand she killed a part of me. Out of all the ghosts of relationship past, she the only one I'm afraid to encounter in one on one situation.
I guess she gave me the really the big NO after all. I've seen her since, but I acted nonchalantly even though I was dying to ask the big question WHY. But knowing her, that would have given her the satisfaction of totally mind fucking me. Last I heard, she was dating some guy in a garage band & financially cut off from her family since she never finished w/ school. On that level I feel happy, hey I'm only human, I'm the last person to relish in someone's failures but this is a special exception.
There are certain personalities that makes one revel in a person's darkest moments & I believe it's only right to claim a little bit of responsibility for this outcome. When you crash & burn you have to understand that some will have gasoline in their hand instead of the fire extinguisher. Sometimes I miss the old me before drama left the survival scars behind. Even though I thought I had everything figured out, I realized how naïve I really was back then. Wow, I didn't know I was going to get all group therapy-ish in this entry. For moments like these, I'm glad I was led to this site by a wonderful friend who no longer blogs.