SIN’s “Personalities“ - My RE: My Motivation During Rehab
This issue uncovered its ugly little head while reading SIN latest entry about "Personalities". This lead me to analyze the whole situation including my own personality during that period to incited this type of behavior towards me.
The one relationship that may cause me some bitterness, was the one that ended while I was in a coma. I was in the "fix people broken people" stage. And she had the emotional stability of a feral cat. In retrospect she was probably trying to figure a way to end this ambiguous relationship we created. We started out as BFF & then we crossed the line, which I have moments of regret, since I think we would still be in contact if we didn't give into temptation. She would tease me (now I believe it was passive aggressive behavior) by saying "you are too demanding or you are too spoiled, always wanting your way". During alone time there would be moments where I would catch her staring at me in a way some may interpret as contempt. I would ask her "what is it" & she would respond "you don't hear no a lot, do you?" When you are use to hearing compliments all the time, it's hard not to fall in the trap & believe your own hype sometimes. I think in her own dysfunctional way, she wanted to teach me a lesson.
Well let me tell you, that type of abandonment/ break-up hurts you to the center of your soul. I believe that was the main source of my "no strings attach" philosophy. Of course people rallied around me to see if I was still affected by the break-up, since I'm a proud person, I refused to let someone know they hurt me in such a deep way. I hate to say it, but the pain she caused me was the motivating force for me to endure physical therapy & return to my old self physically. In some ways she brought me back from the bowels of hell, but on the other hand she killed a part of me. Out of all the ghosts of relationship past, she the only one I'm afraid to encounter in one on one situation.
I guess she gave me the really the big NO after all. I've seen her since, but I acted nonchalantly even though I was dying to ask the big question WHY. But knowing her, that would have given her the satisfaction of totally mind fucking me. Last I heard, she was dating some guy in a garage band & financially cut off from her family since she never finished w/ school. On that level I feel happy, hey I'm only human, I'm the last person to relish in someone's failures but this is a special exception.
There are certain personalities that makes one revel in a person's darkest moments & I believe it's only right to claim a little bit of responsibility for this outcome. When you crash & burn you have to understand that some will have gasoline in their hand instead of the fire extinguisher. Sometimes I miss the old me before drama left the survival scars behind. Even though I thought I had everything figured out, I realized how naïve I really was back then. Wow, I didn't know I was going to get all group therapy-ish in this entry. For moments like these, I'm glad I was led to this site by a wonderful friend who no longer blogs.
You Know What They Say About Assumptions
People who get so caught up w/ labels & the social hierarchies of mainstream America really compel me to say "it's not all that", but some people like to covet status or align themselves w/ people they think can give them some sort of self-esteem boost. If I gave those a bop on the head of reality, they still won't change. Even some in this community get caught up in the old label game. I laugh to myself when I'm in session & a lady rattles off the professions of her client base. I once said in a session to a lady, associating yourself with mensa members doesn't make you a mensa member", that didn‘t go over to well LOL.
What you do, isn't who you are, well a healthy person would think so. For the next new person I meet who's a label fiend, as a joke I'm going to check the occupation as a garbage collector & see how well that goes. When you die it doesn't matter what you have or how many shiny things you possess, at the end of the life cycle you can't take it w/ you. I almost lost my train of thought for this entry, I guess I'm still affected about Sunday's meaning & the whole big scheme of life & death. During your last hours of life what one would consider of value vs. materials.
This morning it was that monthly thing I hate to do, but I must as responsible participant in an open lifestyle and that's STI screening. As much as I hate needles, even though I have tattoos myself, monogamy looks more appealing on that aspect. I usually go to my usual anonymous testing site, but I wasn't in the mood to see dudes give PDA to one another. I'm not intolerant, but I believe in everyone having a right to express their choice of lifestyle, but when my saturation meter is full, I exercise my choice to avoid the blatant.
I opted for my test to be handled by my doctor since I've known her since I was a teenager so she is like family. I didn't explain, but I just casually asked for a screening. She seemed perplexed & couldn't figure out why I would need a screening. And I looked perplexed by her ignorant response. Before I could say anything, she said you don't need to be screened, you come from a good family, you aren't part of a high risk group.
For a second, I thought I was transplanted back to the early 80's during the AIDS epidemic. First I teased her for the compliment by saying she must doesn't read the newspaper or watch the news for the "good family" remark. I politely explained diseases don't discriminate on class. She seemed offended by me correcting her thinking. I know the nerve of me a health care professional correcting a doctor. I will always say what I think & will never backed down even when bruising egos in the process. Just like family after our mini debate we hugged & said goodbye. I guess finding objectivity is hard to maintain when you have family &acquaintances integrated in a support system.
The Wizard of Oz: The Scarecrow
Whatever happen to being an individual and having a brain & thinking for yourself? Flocking like sheep makes you look very weak. I thought this is where individuality shines & conformity is shunned, I guess not. There I go thinking again Huh. Last but not least, I can't forget about the veil threats, sometimes I wonder do some people really have a Fing clue. The internet has really enabled a few to be so delusional. Claiming world domination through a few whispers is laughable, keep making me laugh. O.K I got that one off my chest.
The 29th : Nanny & Katherine
HBD to you both, I still can't believe I forgot today, if it wasn't for the reminiscent phone call, today would be just another day. Your fondness for artist Sophie Anderson & your passion you placed on your gardens of Lilacs & African Violets still hold a special place in my heart. If it wasn't for the both of you I would have flat-lined when most thought I wouldn't make it. Paying it forward is my way of saying thanks for the paranormal strength you both showed on that day.